going back to GR

My last post was about feeling blue about Aiden, and now we're about to go to the place where it all happened, Grand Rapids. The first time we went there after moving away I had a full on panic attack as we drove into the city. We have visited one more time since then, and that was for Scott's father's funeral. So my feelings associated with this city at this point are not great! I never liked Grand Rapids from the first day I moved in. When I moved there it was just something I decided to do because it sounded fun. I'd lived in Phoenix, AZ my whole life, I was 22, so I thought "hey, see what a different city is like". Boy, was I in for it! I arrived in GR on November 3, it started snowing on November 4. Of course that winter was one of the coldest and snowiest in a long time. I never adjusted to the cold, the lack of sun or lifestyle in GR. To me it's a very strange city. It's a big city population wise, but it feels very small town. Things don't change that much there. There aren't many restaurants, bars, clubs, places to go or things to see. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE who is from there will say "Yeah, but it's such a great place in the summer!". Ok, I grew up in a place that looks like summer vacation 364 days a year so having a couple months of nice weather is just not going to cut it for me.

SO ANYWAY, the point of this is we are going there on the 22nd of this month, and I'm already feeling anxiety about it. Being there makes me feel like I'm back in time, I just buried Aiden and I'm overcome with greif. Things never change there so it never feels like NOW, it feels like November 2005 when Aiden was born.

I have already started a to-do list of all the stuff I want to do in GR that we can't do here. As much as I don't like Michigan or Grand Rapids, I will admit there are a few things to recommend it. I'm not totally anti-MI. Some of these things include eating at Panera Bread (we don't have em in AZ!), eating at San Chez, and eating at Rosie's Diner. I'm basically going to be stuffing my face the whole time...food makes me happy ok? I know you're not supposed to eat your feelings away but when it comes to Aiden and handling my feelings about him, I don't follow any "rules". There are no rules for a mother who misses her baby.