Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Our trip to Michigan was lots of fun! The first day was a little tense for me but after that it was all ok. I never did get to eat at Panera Bread, darnit! There is so much family to see that if we're there for a week, 7 days are booked up. Of course, we did spend one day doing absolutely nothing while Scott slept off the night before. We went out drinking & dancing on Thursday and it was a blast, but we did indulge way more than either of us have in a long time. Since having Riley I've drank maybe two times? So I was feeling very ew on Friday too but someone has to get up with the babies...why is it the men feel like they don't have to take care of the kids if there's anyone else there to do it? Or is that just my situation?

We did go to Klackle Orchards, and that was alot of fun. The place is so big and has so much to do, I would love a place like that around here because I'd take Riley every week! They had these pedal bike/car things that were so fun. We went on a Monday so it wasn't crowded at all, it was awesome. And it was a gorgeous day. The sky was brilliant blue, which is not every day in Michigan! Most of the time it's a depressing gray.

We're back now and things are getting back to normal. I never got used to the time change while we were there (it's 3 hours ahead) but now I feel weird too.

Time to do laundry!

Great Grandma's Garden

Pickeral Lake

Klackle Orchards

Monday, September 20, 2010

going to fall

We're going to Michigan this week! As much as I'm dreading being there, I am looking forward to

  • introducing Kira to her Michigan family
  • cooler temperatures
  • pretty leaves on the trees
  • going to a pumpkin patch with the kids
  • seeing friends that i love that i can only see if i go to MI
  • eating at places we don't have in AZ
  • possibly getting to wear cute fall clothes like boots with jeans and maybe a scarf? it never gets cold enough to wear those things here, even though people do
  • definitely dressing Kira up in her cute little sweaters and coats...she's got tons!

Monday, September 13, 2010


I am sort of confused about baptism and what it means. I was baptized when I was an infant because my parents were Catholic. Now that I'm going to a Bible church and trying to figure out what it really means to be "Christian" I feel like I need to be baptized again. BUT I'm scared of it. I feel like such a dork for saying that, but I'm scared to be dunked into a tub. In front of a whole bunch of people. I don't think that's the way you're supposed to feel about it, I think you're supposed to be happy, joyful, excited at the idea of being "reborn". Is that what it is? I'll be taking a class beginning at the end of this month that will hopefully answer my questions. It's at church, it's for people who have never gone to church or are coming back or are just wanting to learn more, I guess.

A few of the blogs I read have mentioned an event called DNOW (Discipleship Now) that happened over the weekend, and they talk about kids being baptized at the end of it. Is being baptized something you do after just attending a weekend thing about church? To me it seems like it is something you do after really thinking and praying on it...but maybe I'm wrong? It just seems like it's not something you do on a whim or when you're excited because you're with a group of friends. Like "they're doing it, i want to too!" type of thing.

Another crazy wrench to throw in there is I want to have the kids dedicated. My church does it in groups so I don't really know when it'll happen, but if they wanted me to do it next weekend that'd be fine. BUT...should I be baptized again first? Am I not a true member of the church until I've been baptized, and is it hypocritical for me to have the kids dedicated if I'm not baptized again first?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

going back to GR

My last post was about feeling blue about Aiden, and now we're about to go to the place where it all happened, Grand Rapids. The first time we went there after moving away I had a full on panic attack as we drove into the city. We have visited one more time since then, and that was for Scott's father's funeral. So my feelings associated with this city at this point are not great! I never liked Grand Rapids from the first day I moved in. When I moved there it was just something I decided to do because it sounded fun. I'd lived in Phoenix, AZ my whole life, I was 22, so I thought "hey, see what a different city is like". Boy, was I in for it! I arrived in GR on November 3, it started snowing on November 4. Of course that winter was one of the coldest and snowiest in a long time. I never adjusted to the cold, the lack of sun or lifestyle in GR. To me it's a very strange city. It's a big city population wise, but it feels very small town. Things don't change that much there. There aren't many restaurants, bars, clubs, places to go or things to see. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE who is from there will say "Yeah, but it's such a great place in the summer!". Ok, I grew up in a place that looks like summer vacation 364 days a year so having a couple months of nice weather is just not going to cut it for me.

SO ANYWAY, the point of this is we are going there on the 22nd of this month, and I'm already feeling anxiety about it. Being there makes me feel like I'm back in time, I just buried Aiden and I'm overcome with greif. Things never change there so it never feels like NOW, it feels like November 2005 when Aiden was born.

I have already started a to-do list of all the stuff I want to do in GR that we can't do here. As much as I don't like Michigan or Grand Rapids, I will admit there are a few things to recommend it. I'm not totally anti-MI. Some of these things include eating at Panera Bread (we don't have em in AZ!), eating at San Chez, and eating at Rosie's Diner. I'm basically going to be stuffing my face the whole makes me happy ok? I know you're not supposed to eat your feelings away but when it comes to Aiden and handling my feelings about him, I don't follow any "rules". There are no rules for a mother who misses her baby.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

feeling sad

When it starts feeling "fallish", I start getting sad. It was fall when I lost Aiden so my body & mind just seem to get into this sadness mode. Today I'm feeling it. There's this story going around about a mother who held her baby for two hours after he passed away, and he came back to life. Of course this makes me think, "Why didn't that happen to me when I was holding Aiden". It's really hard to not get sucked into that bottomless pit of questions. I feel like I'm standing on the edge deciding if I want to jump in or not. Saying it like that makes me go "of course not". If anything I have my babes here to keep me busy and my mind occupied. It's not like there's ever a shortage of things that need to be done when you have two under 4!

I do miss my Aiden. It would be his 5th birthday this year and I just wonder what he would look like. I am always curious to know if he had blue eyes or brown eyes or something different.